Stupid Ways I’ve Hurt Myself

Posted: October 29, 2011 in All, Comedy, YouTube
Tags: , , , , , , ,

I’m not proud. In fact, it helps to own up to your stupidity outright. Let me give you an example. I was sitting in a car, when a friend came up to the side to ask me a question. I stuck my head out and bonked it right on the window.

“Did you just hit your head on the window?” he said, laughing.


He laughed some more, and that was the end of it. If I had denied it, he’d still be busting on me to this day.

So, to that end, here are three things most people wouldn’t admit:


3. Stuck between a fork and a hard place

You know when a drawer won’t close because a utensil gets wedged in there real good? The handle is stuck on the bottom somewhere and the top gets propped up against the underside of the cabinet?

Well, imagine instead that it was a fork getting crammed between the utensil holder and my middle finger.

I was pulling out a spoon for my daughter to stir her chocolate milk. She was talking and I was paying more attention to her than what I was doing. I pushed the drawer closed with my hip as my hand was over the forks.

Here’s a nice little video that shows the damage:


2. The builders are coming!

Growing up in the New Jersey suburbs, there were always houses being built. They were a beacon to neighborhood kids. We climbed all over them, imagining what the rooms would be like, what the people would be like.

When I was in third grade I was venturing into one such house. And then I heard “The builders are coming!” My exploration partner sighted the worker van coming down the street. I leaped off the first floor.

But it was built on an incline. In the back of the house, the first floor was about five feet off the ground. At least, that’s what I guess it was now, looking back. It could have been three.

I remember just lying on my back on a slab of wood. I didn’t move and I felt like I couldn’t and I didn’t know why. Then my friend grabbed my hand and pulled me up. My neck hurt instantly. We ran. It turned out it wasn’t the builders, just a similar-looking van.

For the rest of the week, I couldn’t move my neck without pain. My teacher told me to keep moving my neck little by little until it felt better. It did, eventually. My parents said I never complained and they never knew. I was a quiet kid, but I still can’t figure out how this got missed. Anyway, it was probably whiplash, the reason I have scoliosis and regular headaches to this day.


1. The Kazoo

I used to keep a kazoo in my car at all times. It’s a good idea. You never know when you’re going to need a kazoo.

My car had a perfect place for it – a small cutout to the left of the steering wheel. In a more expensive model, some wonderful feature was probably supposed to go there – like a chocolate dispenser or a flux capacitor. As I got the bottom line model, it was just a hole. The older man who sold it to me told me twice “You can put your McDonald’s hamburgers in there.” Instead, I kept a kazoo there, with almost half of it sticking out.

It had rained while I was at work, and there was a big puddle by the driver’s side door. I reached over the puddle and opened the door. I judged the distance and guessed I could jump over the puddle into my car.

Somehow my legs went wild and my knee scraped against the kazoo. The cheap plastic mouthpiece scraped the first few layers of skin off my knee.

At first, I was too shocked to know what happened. Then, the blood seeped up from the wound. It ran down my leg and soaked my sock on the ride home.


Again, I tell people these things because it’s not good to hide stupid things you’ve done. You should share them and let everyone in on the joke.

Besides, I already told one person and he tells everyone so there’s no keeping it a secret!




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